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We may earn money from links on this page, but we only recommend products we back. Why trust usnearly every day at 4 p. , for years, he would summon me to bed. His acts were unthinkable, but now im ready to talk. In michelle stevens powerful, just-published memoir, scared selfless, she shares how she overcame horrendous child sexual abuse and mental illness to lead a satisfying and happy life as a successful psychologist, wife and mother. Here, an excerpt from the booksince birth, i had been michelle brechbill. Granddaughter of evelyn and glenn. Now, with the flick of a pen, i was mooch a nickname lundquist, daughter of gary, new student at his out-of-state school.

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In 1976 no one seemed to question any of this. No one seemed to care that my school records displayed a different name or that gary was not my legal guardian. He was just my mothers boyfriend. But social norms dictate that we do not insert ourselves into other peoples personal lives. Being polite means keeping ones mouth shut. And so i, the newly minted mooch lundquist, became a third grader at delaware township school.

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My classroom was on the first floor of the elementary building just a staircase away from gary. , as soon as the bell rang, i was expected to climb those stairs and report to garys desk. Inevitably, a few of his favored 10-year-old students would still be hanging around joking with him or sitting on his lap. Some days gary would oversee an after-school activity. The gifted and talented club was invitation only garys invitation, that is. Trouble was gary had no real training or authority to be administering iq tests. Instead, he gave kids a short multiple-choice test, the mickey mouse kind sold in bookstores. Then, based on his findings, he labeled certain kids the kids he liked and wanted to spend more time with as gifted.

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I was gifted, according to gary. This was a real convenience, as he demanded i join his, and only his, after-school clubs. He signed me up for his drama club too and encouraged me to sing in the school talent contest. On the night of the show, various kids performed their acts, and the winner was chosen based on audience response.

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Gary was among the judges who awarded me first prize. After that, i was given the lead in all the school plays that he directed. To the other parents, i suppose it seemed that gary was harmlessly lauding his new daughter. Not because he actually thought i was gifted or talented. Gary was a narcissist, and narcissists view their families as extensions of themselves, as trophies. Gary believed he was superior, so it was imperative that the world see his daughter as superior too. Behind closed doors it was a different story.

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Gary treated me with a dizzying blend of over-involvement, neglect, overindulgence and cruelty. With svengali-like skill, he quickly took over every aspect of my life, dictating what i wore, to whom i talked, even what toys i used. Gary dictated what i wore, to whom i talked, even what toys i used. He also strove to monopolize my time an easy accomplishment since my mother left for work before i awoke and didnt return until evening. During the school year, this meant gary had me all to himself for an hour each morning and at least three hours every afternoon. Once summer came, he had me all day, every day, all to himself. Summer was the time when gary could really play out his sm sadomasochism fantasies and treat me like a full-time sex slave. This meant being subjected to daily training sessions intense periods when i was explicitly instructed on how to behave and think like a slave. Much like a dog must be trained to sit, to stay, to heel, practitioners of sadomasochism believe a sex slave must be trained in how to speak, sit, serve. In short, like a dog, she must be taught total obedience.

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Garys dungeon was in the basement. Because he had to avoid my mothers prying eyes, though, he could not leave it permanently set up like other sm enthusiasts. Instead, he left a series of nails and hooks attached to the ceiling beams, which could quickly and easily hold a harness, a rope or some other type of bondage device. While much of garys paraphernalia had to be kept hidden, i could tell he also had some fun in displaying a few tools of his trade. The dog cage, for instance, was left in plain sight folded up in a cluttered corner where it appeared to be waiting for the next garage sale. He also kept a wooden paddle hanging on the wall of his home office, which he jokingly told guests was for errant children. Little did they realize it was no joke.

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Nor did most people realize that he kept a set of metal handcuffs in his desk drawer, right next to a stun gun and his handgun. I cant remember being threatened with the gun although it may have happened. Due to amnesia, as well as the normal forgetfulness of memory, there are many details about my abuse i cant recall. I know this because, over the years, eyewitnesses have told stories about my abuse that i cannot personally remember. I do, however, remember gary threatening me with the stun gun repeatedly. He even used it on me once. For after experiencing the excruciating, utterly indescribable pain it inflicted, i never, ever wanted to experience it again. When he wasnt hurting me, he lavished me with parental attention.

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On the long drives to and from school, he would initiate conversations about history, politics and art. We ate nearly every meal together while he instructed me on things like table manners and ethnic cuisine. He gave me my first typewriter and influenced my decisions to become both a writer and psychologist. He took the time to open up the world for me. He was my first and most significant mentor. Under my mothers care, id been neglected and deprived.

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She was constantly at work, leaving me alone and lonely. Gary preyed on that loneliness. Like any skilled pedophile, he identified what i needed, and he gave it to me. He made me feel special, talented, smart.

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Even sexually, staying on garys good side had its advantages. For once he felt i had become sufficiently trained and submissive, most of the torture tapered off. Afternoons in the basement were replaced by the bedroom. And his fervor to cause me pain was replaced with a passion to bring me pleasure. I suspect it made him feel powerful like more of a man.

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, for years, he would summon me to bed for what can only be described as a lovers tryst. The weird part, of course, was that his lover was just under four feet tall and weighed less than 60 pounds. , he would summon me to bed. There was also the inconvenient fact that his official lover, my mother, refused to vanish. Unable to ditch her physically, he did it emotionally instead.

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Every evening, he locked himself in his home office. Every weekend, he went to his store. As i was expected to work for him, i followed wherever he went.

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Very early on, my mother began to notice this pattern, and she didnt like it. Being immature, she didnt handle the situation with grace. She felt excluded, which she was. So she began to yell a lot, mostly at me.

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One particular saturday morning we had probably been living with gary for about six weeks, i was in the bathroom getting dressed for the flea market, just as i did every weekend. But my mother wasnt happy, so she stood in the doorway, whining. Whatre you gettin dressed to go there for huh you oughta be staying home with me. Just then, gary came into the hall. I want shell to stay home with me, she demanded. Shes down at that flea market with you way too muchgary, as always, remained calm during my mothers onslaught. Nonchalantly, he remarked, why dont you let mooch decide what she wants to do today shes perfectly capable of choosing. With one quick remark, he had abdicated all responsibility for the situation. Instead, all blame was now placed squarely on me. At 8 years old, i was being asked to choose between my mother and gary.

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It was not a real decision, of course. If i chose gary, he would immediately whisk me away from my mothers ranting and probably offer some kind of reward. But if i chose my mother, there would be no one to protect me from gary.

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Crossing him would mean paying for my sins. So, i chose gary, and my mother flew into a jealous rage. The flea market she screamed. You cant go to the flea market im your mother youre staying with mebut gary was already whisking me out the door.

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You asked her to choose, and she chose, judy, he said. It was with this kind of scene that gary was able to drive a wedge between my mother and me. I am certain that if gary couldve gotten rid of my mother entirely, he would have. He lobbied hard to adopt me, but my mother resisted. Despite being nave in many ways, she knew that if gary became my legal parent, he would dump her and seek full custody. Thankfully, she never fell for the trap. Still, im astonished that she chose to stay with a man whose deepest desire was to kick her to the curb and steal her young daughter. Personally, i know for a fact that gary considered me his true lover.

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I know because he told me so. You are my real wife, he would say to me each morning as we drove together in the car. You are my real wife, he would say to me each day as we worked side by side at the flea market.

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